QLFC: Round 6: And I Would Have Gotten Away With It
by corvusdraconis
Summary: QLFC Round 6 (Written for Keeper) Severus wakes up to strange dog in his bed and he had no idea where it came from.


**QLFC: Round 6**

 **Position:** Keeper (written by Beater 1)

 **Prompt:** (Mystery)

 **Disclaimer:** JKRs world and characters are still JKRs world and characters

 **Beta:** Help, I'm publishing unsupervised!

* * *

 **And I Would Have Gotten Away With It If It Weren't For You Damn Kids!**

 _Lick. Lick, lick, lick. Lick._

The hell?

Snape opened his eyes to see the largest, red-furred dog muzzle he'd ever seen pressing against his face. Two bright blue eyes stared at him as the dog had another go at his face with his long, wet tongue. If that wasn't bad enough, the dog had horrendous bacon breath.

Severus flung himself out of his bed at top speed with a yell and almost smashed his head on the bedside table. The blue and white porcelain lamp that had been sitting next to the bed, however, did not fare as well. It went tottering off the table with a crash, breaking into many shards and leaking oil onto the floor in a bright, slick puddle.

Severus cursed. He started in English, moved on to Latin, and ended in something that sounded like Yiddish. He took his wand from the bedside table and waved it to repair the broken lamp. The pieces tinkled merrily as it reformed magically.

"Ugh….must you insist on being so romantic in the morning?" groaned a voice from other side of the bed.

Snape's eyes slid over to the side before the rest of his head moved along to follow it. Bushy curls moved under the duvet as one unit, seeming to writhe like Medusa's snakes. A disembodied hand reached out from under the covers and patted the space nearby in the bed, seeking something.

Forgetting about the canine intruder for the moment, Severus reached his hand out and touched the seeking solitary hand, his pale skin contrasting over her skin with an almost perceptible glow.

The seeking hand snatched his like a viper strike, grasping him by the wrist and pulling him over, yanking his hand, wrist, and arm into the warmth under the duvet.

Severus gave an undignified but half-hearted protest as he was pulled off-kilter. He pressed his face into the bushy curls, nostrils flaring. "Good morning to you too, wife," he murmured.

Mumbling answered him from under the Duvet.

Merlin! Was the witch gnawing on his wrist?

A shudder went through Snape's body, and he felt the ache in his mouth as a different sort of hunger warred with another.

"Woman," he hissed softly. "You are not helping."

Snape's eyes widened as he felt his wife's mouth on his palm, and his normally black eyes were swallowed up completely with a glowing gold hue. He growled, baring his fangs with a combination of elation and hunger.

Hermione pulled down the duvet, her sleepy eyes meeting his glowing golden ones. "You didn't feed last night," she said. "I'm just doing my part to make sure you don't attack some poor First-Year when they cut themselves on a beaker."

Decades had come and gone since Severus had been Changed, but there was one witch on the Earth that unravelled his hard-won control like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. She had been a master at her craft since she left the Ministry with more skill in manipulation and politics than any Slytherin. Her Apprenticeship with Minerva had only made her even more insufferable.

He growled, pinning her back against the mattress as the scent of her alone drove coherency right out the chamber door. She was sufferable, he supposed, given the right circumstances.

Knowing that his day was going to be far too long if he didn't take Hermione up on her offer, he kissed the side of her neck, baring his teeth slightly as the scent of her in combination of her seeking hands unravelled the rest of him. His ears homed on the blissful silence in the adjoining rooms, and he sighed inwardly in the hopes the dog would wait to destroy his chambers until after breakfast.

She tilted her head just so, knowing what he needed and the most comfortable position to be in when he did. His fangs sank into the soft skin of her neck, and her eyes fluttered as he drank from her to sate his most pressing hunger. The other hunger lurking within would have to wait.

He didn't have to take much thanks to her willing donations, and part of Severus had always wondered what he would have been doing for the last two decades had she not been there to give them. Skulking about Hogsmeade or some other town biting the unwary seemed horribly banal, even if he could roll their minds, charm them with his eyes, and make them crave a repeat performance. It just wasn't his… style.

Severus pulled away from her neck slowly and almost reluctantly. He gently licked the bite on her skin before whispering an almost musical spell into the softness of her neck. The wound closed almost immediately, leaving no blemish to mark his withdrawal.

Hermione blinked at him sleepily, pulling him closer for a cuddle. "To what do I owe your early morning profanity, husband?" she asked drowsily.

Severus, having completely forgotten about his bacon-breathed wakeup call, twitched. "When did we acquire a dog?"

"A," Hermione started to say, her brows furrowing, "dog?"

A crash came from the adjoining room, accompanied by the sounds of chomping, chewing, and what Severus hoped was not the gnawing on his favourite armchair.

Severus inclined his head in a manner that always translated to "obviously."

"I think I would remember having acquired a pet, Severus," Hermione said, one eyebrow lifting.

"Well then, the only other possible explanation is that there is a really good hallucination eating the remains of your dinner off your plate in the adjoining room," Severus said blankly, his face stoic.

"I had dinner?" Hermione asked, frowning as she tried to recall what she had eaten that could have possibly been in there.

"Dinner was prepared and left out for you," Severus said dryly, "however, you ended up being very _distracted_ , as I recall."

"Hn," Hermione answered. "I wonder what could have distracted me?"

"No idea," Severus said, putting on his best vampiric halo, flashing a smile and a bit of fang just so before he pulled himself off the bed and went to dress.

"Decades of marriage and you are still just as distracting as you were on the first day," Hermione muttered, shuffling by him on her way to the bathroom.

"Pot," Severus quipped, "I would like you to meet Cauldron."

"Psh," the curly-haired witch retorted just before the sound of the shower running reached his ears. It was probably better that she showered first before tackling the puzzling mystery of how they had suddenly gained a dog. Hermione was always horribly cranky without her morning shower, tea, and a thorough snogging. She was almost as cranky as he was when he'd gone without feeding for few days.

 _Almost_.

He was still the master in that department. A man had to retain mastery of something in his marriage, even if being cranky wasn't exactly something to be proud of.

Hermione was out of the shower shortly after he'd finished buttoning all of his collective buttons. She smiled at him as she passed, smelling like a combination of jasmine and tea-tree oil. He noticed right away that her hair was looking more tame instead of like writhing snakes thanks to a healthy dose of the conditioner he brewed for her. There were more than a few perks to being married to a Potion Master, after all.

When he entered the kitchen, he saw that Hermione had seemingly conjured tea out of the thin air, the skill having been mastered with the finesse of repeated practice. Severus had charmed a pot to always be the perfect tea temperature, so it was more the art of wrangling the right mixture of tea leaves than convincing the kettle to cooperate.

Hermione handed him a cup of tea with a grin, knowing he appreciated one of the few things he could still enjoy given his unusual metabolism. She stood on her tiptoes to plant a soft kiss against his cheek before retreating in the next room.

Severus followed her but froze as he saw the disaster zone that had once been his sitting room. Immediately, he began to count to ten in Latin.

"Hey now," Hermione grunted at the large animal that was rolling around on the remains of what may or may not have been one of their bathroom towels, Severus' travelling cloak, and the thoroughly licked-clean remains of her dinner plate.

The large red-orange dog groaned in ecstasy as he rolled all over his pile of pilfered loot, ignoring her completely.

"Well, I definitely did not buy him," Hermione said after a while. She had pulled her wand out and was cleaning the room in between sips of her tea. She still had her tea. That was a good sign. He would worry when she put the tea down.

"Don't look at me, witch," Severus said, waving his hands dismissively. "I am not known for drunken escapades where I go out, buy a dog, and wake up with a tattoo."

Hermione snorted, shaking her head. She sipped her tea thoughtfully. "Well this is the Headmaster's Office and chambers, technically, Severus," she chuckled. "Did you forget to ward it against dogs?"

Severus rolled his eyes, and took a swig of his tea. "No," he said stiffly, slightly insulted that his wife had practically accused him of not warding his office properly.

"Perhaps Draco is responsible for this..." Hermione pondered, tilting her head at the dog who was sprawled out on her floor.

"Draco knows better than to provoke my ire," Severus grunted.

"Harry and Ron knew better than to provoke your ire too," Hermione mentioned. "You see how well that stopped them."

Severus sighed. "Potter and the red-headed weasel menace are hardly examples of intelligence."

" _Severus_!" Hermione admonished, her voice startling the dog.

The furry fiend scrambled across the floor and dove under the chair, but only his head managed to fit due to his enormous size. He placed his front paws over his head and quivered.

Severus and Hermione turned in perfect synchronisation to stare at the terrified dog in gobsmacked silence.

The dog was moving the entire chair with him into the corner, backing up all the way into the wall. When his butt touched the wall, however, the dog yelped, his legs scrambling in the air like one the old road runner cartoons. The dog ended up hidden behind one of the portrait curtains with only his rear end sticking out.

Severus and Hermione exchanged glances.

"A dog that huge should not be scared of anything," Severus sniffed.

"It's a Great Dane, Severus," Albus' portrait remarked from the wall. "They are not known for their bravado."

Severus' head turned to face the portrait. "Why then would you even have a large dog if not for the protection of some sort?"

Hermione scratched her head, yawning. "Some think having a large dog is intimidating enough to interlopers, regardless of its temperament. Think about Fang."

"I'd rather not," Severus replied with a shake of his head.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Do any of you know where this dog came from?" Severus asked the previous Headmasters.

Muttering went up and down the portrait wall until the consensus came back that none of them had seen where the strange red dog had come from, many asking him if he had merely forgotten having done so himself.

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have not, nor do I _ever_ wish to have a dog."

Hermione looked at him with sympathy. She knew his history with Padfoot and that the Potion Master had never forgiven the entire canine species for Sirius Black. He couldn't even tolerate the smaller dogs like Corgis, which saddened the witch a little.

Suddenly, the floo filled with green fire.

"Hello?" came a disembodied voice. "Hermione? Are you there?"

Hermione frowned. The voice coming from the fireplace was not as familiar as it should have been, judging by her expression. Severus figured it was decades of knowing a hundred new students a year that scrambled her naming circuits in her brain.

"Yes?" Hermione said tentatively.

"Oh!" the voice gasped. A head popped out of the floo, complete with blond hair and extravagantly styled curls. "Hermione, dear, have you seen my dear Won-won?"

Severus squeezed his eyes shut and decided to count backwards from ten in Bulgarian.

Hermione flinched mentally, her magic flaring enough to cause Severus to open his eyes. He touched his witch's wrist with his fingers gently, bringing her a bit of calm. "Lavender," Hermione greeted with forced sweetness that would have given Severus cavities had he been prone to such things. "No. I haven't seen Ronald. At all."

Lavender's face screwed up with worry in the flames of their floo. "I'm so worried," she fretted at the two Hogwarts Professors. She kept her eyes mainly on Hermione. After all that had happened, none of Hermione's old classmates could look Severus in the eye without flinching or looking away. Seven years of ingrained conditioning did that to some people.

"It's Rosie, you see," Lavender whined. "She's been crying her eyes out for a dog for the past week. She saw one in the park and hasn't let it out of her head. I think Ron may have gone out to get one just to appease her, but I haven't heard from him!"

Severus and Hermione exchanged glances. "Dog you say?" Severus said, startling Lavender.

"Y…yes Headmaster," Lavender stammered.

Severus rolled his eyes. She was a grown woman, for Merlin's sake. Could she not act like one?

"Rejoice," Severus said coolly, pulling out his wand. "I believe I know where your weasel is."

"W..what?" Lavender asked, baffled.

"You might want to take your head out of my floo, girl," Severus scoffed. "I'm sending you something."

Lavender's eyes went wide and her head quickly disappeared out the fireplace.

Severus sighed, pointing his wand at the dog-shaped lump hiding under his portrait curtains. He wordlessly guided the trembling dog out from under the curtains and into the fireplace, a smug expression on his face.

The dog was squirming in a panic, trying to fight it, but it was a losing battle.

Hermione, eyes wide as she realised what had happened, pulled out a handful of floo powder, threw it into the floo and said, "Ronald and Lavender Weasley Residence."

With a loud yelp, the large red dog disappeared.

Moments later, both Hermione and Severus winced as Lavender's high-pitched shriek came through the floo connection.

"OH MY GOD, WON-WON! ROSIE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?"

The flames in the floo died out.

Severus and Hermione just stared into the fireplace silently, saying nothing, their eyes wide with amusement.

"We shall never speak of this again, wife," Severus said after a while.

"Never, my husband," Hermione agreed.

Nearby, the portraits were alive with gossip. This was a complete secret. All of Hogwarts would know about it within the hour.

Severus and Hermione sighed together.

Bullocks.


End file.
